Tuesday, May 22, 2007

A Song For Hillary

I’m honestly not that inclined to be fired up about politics, especially compared to some. My attitude is a combination of the following: guilt about not being more informed and involved…ignorance, or at least a limited knowledge of the issues…apathy due to feeling like I can’t make that much difference as an individual (despite what good citizenship principles and all the campaign ads tell me)…and a feeling that, compared to the great sweep of the history of mankind and his eternal future, politics is small potatoes and ultimately not worth the effort. I didn't say they were GOOD reasons.

Anyway, this item in the Tennessean entertainment column from the other day (below) offers too much potential for comic satire for an amateur Dave Barry wannabe like myself to pass up (sorry, “too tempting up with which to pass.”—thanks, Winston Churchill).

Help Clinton pick campaign song

Songs by Shania Twain and the Dixie Chicks are among songs suggested for Hillary Clinton's campaign. Voters can choose among nine songs, including Shania's "Rock This Country," the Chicks' "Ready To Run," KT Tunstall's "Suddenly I See," U2's "City of Blinding Light" and "Beautiful Day" and The Staple Singers' "I'll Take You There." You can vote at www.hillaryclinton.com.

There was no mention of involvement by American Idol judges in the process. I think we can just assume it.

So here they are:

(NOTE: I don’t expect thanks; I just want to do my civic duty and make my small contribution to world peace. Performers and/or writers are noted for reference, and song titles are altered or not, depending on comedic necessity and/or what cracked me up at the time).

Between Barack and a Hard Face
Rolling Stones

When The Stars Go Blue (And The States Go Red)
Tim McGraw

Ain't Too Proud to Beg
The Temptations

Before He Cheats (He Should Be Aware Of The Penalties For Campaign Fraud)
Carrie Underwood

Six Days on the Road (And I Still Can't Drum Up Support For My Healthcare Plan)
Dave Dudley

The Devil Went Down To Georgia (And Lost In The Primaries)
Charlie Daniels Band

Don't Cry Out Loud (They'll Accuse You of Faking It)
Melissa Manchester

Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough (It Takes Cash…Lots Of Cash…and Charm…Mostly Cash)
Patty Smyth/Don Henley

This Used To Be My Playground (But Security's A Lot Tighter Thanks To The Patriot Act)

Make 'Em Laugh (Just Don't Ask John Kerry To Write Your Jokes)
From Singin' in the Rain

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be President
Waylon Jennings & Willie Nelson

She Don't Know She's Beautiful (And We're Not So Sure Ourselves)
Sammy Kershaw

(I Never Promised You A Photo Op In The) Rose Garden
Lynn Anderson

You Can Call Me Al (And With My Husband, Who Deserves A Nobel Peace Prize More Than Me?)
Paul Simon

He'll Have to Go (If I Want To Run The Country My Way)
Jim Reeves

D-I-V-O-R-C-E (But Not Until After The I-N-A-U-G-U-R-A-T-I-O-N)
Tammy Wynette

She's Actin' Single, I'm Drinkin' Double (oops--this one's meant for Bill)
Gary Stewart

If You've Got The Money I've Got The Time (See My Booking Agent For Specifics)
Lefty Frizzell

If We Make It Through December (Maybe Those Other Jerks Will Do Enough Stupid Stuff To Seal The Deal For Me)
Merle Haggard

I Walk The Line (The Party Bosses See To That)
Johnny Cash

Heartaches By The Number (I'm Troubled By The Polls)
Ray Price

Ring Of Fire (The Beltway Blues)
Johnny Cash

Sunday Morning Coming Down (The Ballad Of Meet The Press)
Kris Kristofferson

San Antonio Rose (But The Rest Of My Texas Support Didn't)
Bob Wills & His Texas Playboys

I Think I Love You (But Let Me Confirm That With Headquarters Before I Give You A Firm Answer)
The Partridge Family

Maybe It Was Memphis (But It Sure Looked Like Arkansas To Me)
Pam Tillis

Sixteen Tons (And The Opposing Ballots Keep Coming In)
Tennessee Ernie Ford

I'm Going To Hire a Wino to Decorate Our Home (Bill Could Use The Work)
David Frizzell

Crystal Chandeliers (Will Look Just As Pretty In My Own House)
Charley Pride

Take Me Home, Country Roads (Any Country)
John Denver

Don't Look Back in Anger (Just Smile And Wave, Like Nixon Did)

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone (We Gotta Get That Reduced Emissions Bill Passed)
Bill WIthers

When You Wish Upon A Star (You Wouldn’t Be the First—Right, Fred Thompson Fans?)
Jiminy Cricket

Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend (Republicans, Not So Much)
Marilyn Monroe

Time to Say Goodbye
Andrea Bocelli

You Never Even Called Me By My Name (Besides, "Beelzebub" Is So Old-Fashioned)
David Allan Coe

I Will Remember You (So Don't Bother With The Image Makeover Come Next Election)
Sarah McLachlan

Lose Yourself

Good As Gone
Little Big Town

Tonight I Wanna Cry
Keith Urban

Why, Why, Why
Billy Currington

Don't Matter

Lost In This Moment
Big & Rich

Let's Call the Whole Thing Off
Fred Astaire & Ginger Rogers

(We're Off on the) Road to Morocco
Bing Crosby, Bob Hope

Thanks for the Memory
Bob Hope

I Tried
Bone Thugs-N-Harmony Featuring Akon

Never Again
Kelly Clarkson

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